I’m not a religious man but genuinely, my deepest sympathy goes out to all grieving the passing of Pope Francis. He was a good man.
My opening five words perhaps preclude me from becoming the next Pope, but as there is still a bit of time left before the conclave begins, I’m planning my application.
As an atheist I am not familiar with ecumenical matters, but am blessed with (what is otherwise sadly lacking in society nowadays) a sense of humour.
As a lover of pizza, pasta, red wine, and Limoncello, I already fit into the Roman lifestyle. My spiritualism currently includes rum, whisky, vodka and gin.
My manifesto for election is simply bold and to the point. Sorry, there will be no back-handers or brown envelopes stuffed with low denomination notes and certainly no nepotism.
Here it is - “The World According To Gordon” application for the job as Pope manifesto:
DIY baptisms and weddings. (“Dad dancing” obligatory)
Family friendly funerals (with my blessing and free karaoke)
A fee-free membership of any snooker or golf club of your choice. (Just mention that Pope Gordon sent you)
Four sabbath days per week.
The right to a hospital stay free of unsolicited religious visitors.
An end to Mormon door knockers.
A guaranteed visit to earth from the real God at least once per year. Time and place tba.
Subsidised monthly lucky draw for a chance to win an eternal afterlife. (Not exchangeable)
Perpetual blessing for the best weekly financial supporter.
The opportunity to “bring your own bottle” to church services.
An end to the Girls Brigade. My sister found that hell on earth.
The choice of eternal afterlife with, or without, your entire family.
“The World According to Pope Gordon” monthly magazine containing such things as, Papal advice on that month’s best beer deals and tastiest delicatessen accompaniments, and hints and tips to achieve that fuller figure by trying my cookbook recipes.
An all-in entry to a free Christmas draw for a chance to win……………something.
The right to (wrongly) belief that by being religious you are better than your neighbours and unaccountable for your behaviour.
A get-out-of-(religeous) jail free card for all.
Discount graves and headstones.
The introduction of cheerleading try-outs for nuns.
A weekly raffle for a signed Papal t-shirt (only available in size XXL).
No more fish on Fridays. Only curry and chips.
Looking ahead, the long white robes will definitely flatter (or rather hide) my ever increasing proportions.
