Johns house for sale

Many years ago, a friend and fellow japester of mine, John (known locally as the mobile roundabout) decided to have a holiday. He should have known better than to tell us his travel arrangements. You see, he was one of the crew that bricked up George's front door and should have forseen something was likely to happen to him aswell. It did. Threefold. Having had a few months of advance notice, the rest of us agreed on a few wizard wheezes. We would all collect as many newspapers as we could. Friends and family were enroled too. By the time John went away on holiday, we had amassed over 3cwt of papers and magazines, all of which were posted through his letterbox during his 2 week absence. Since the postman would also be delivering post during John's holiday, John would have to sort through the whole lot to recover legitimate mail before he could dispose of the assorted paper waste. I've got a good idea, someone said. What is is, someone else replied. Lets add to his welcome home by jacking up the rear wheels of his car just enough that he won't notice, but when he tries to drive off, the wheels won't be in contact with the road and the car won't go anywhere. Easily achieved with no damage of interference with the car's security. Rather than keep that one for another victim, we agreed that would be easier than trying to get into his car and leaving a piece of cheese under the seat. Voila - another masterful ruse. The final embelishment to our plot was to advertise his house for sale. Not easily achieved for real, since ownership has to be proved, but easily enough suggested by the addition of a bona fide 'For Sale' sign strategically placed in his front garden. Enquiries were made and a favour called in and lo and behold a sign appeared in Johns garden. Sadly we weren't all in place to see his return, but his next visitation to the pub involved a few choice expletives and sworne revenge. Never happended though!!

Notes from Kos. The best holiday ever.

I was going to compile a readable post about our holiday - just back this morning - but decided to just post the notes made at the time, as they happened. Live. May offer assistance here and explain Kos is very much a Dutch resort, even down to the cycle lanes. Go there, it's a beautiful place and if you are as fortunate as us to end up in a Dutch Saga holiday, you'll have a blast.

So here they are:

Guest appear to be all female Dutch couples. Women of questionable persuasion. Blue rinse or butch. Dykes on bikes. Never seen so many middle aged single women with short spikey hair. Maybe we were diverted to Lesbia without being told.

We are without a doubt the youngest people here and I feel quite vulnerable and targeted by frustrated and otherwise rejected dykes.. 

This is more saga than club 18-30 but what an eye opening entertainment. 

Sang at the karaoke. My singing was so bad Anda videos my cigarettes lying in the table instead. She claims it was an accident, but I'm not so sure.

Found out I have a natural ability to be bad at any dance. 

We discovered by good fortune the art of synchronised farting. 

Last night a Greek Orthodox priest who looked like Rasputin, was arguing in the dining room with the bus driver. Quite a sight as they were surrounded by the apparently grieving widows all dressed in black. The sign on their tables was "nostalgia group" - which is not what it used to be.

Foundation choral took over the restaurant, over 70 of them. Two sang last night at karaoke and were dreadful. Doesn't bode well for the rest of the choir.

Karaoke night was a hoot - Greek singalong, a Belgian singer of unheard of French classics, a young Norwegian Sinatra/ Elton John and loadsagreekwumminsingin'. Bring on Eurovision....

It's amazing that the old people on this holiday feel they have to sit at the same table every mealtime and woe betide anyone who gets their space on the settee at the main bar before them. How they manage to make 1 small beer last until after the entertainment beats me. 

Dancing tonight in the main bar. It's a case of right hip replacement not knowing what the left leg was doing. The singer has the enviable ability to crucify all the songs he sings and clear the dance floor with the first two lines of a song. He's singing "my way" at the moment, and he's certainly doing it his way - bears more resemblance to Frank Bruno than Frank Sinatra. Just heard a chord structure that no-one has ever achieved before. This has potential to be one if the best bad singing/bad dancing events if all time. Bring me another drink. God, this singer/entertainer is amazing. We've just had a piece if classical music ( I can't recall its name - but it's a belter) played on kazoo. Awesome!! Just worked out what's going on. The singer is pitched half a semitone below his organ (if you pardon the John Cairnie) and a woman is dancing half a beat behind the music. Rice and Lloyd-webber couldn't do it better. This is one of the best nights out I've ever had. Seriously.

Observations: 

Old man walk = slightly stooped and arms don't move.

Old woman dance = two steps and lift heel to the rear ( works for any dance apparently).

We've just spent the last 2 hours discussing and tearing apart the singer/entertainer oblivious to the fact his wife was sat behind us. Oops!

Today's belter - trying on Dr. Dre headphones, Anda speaks into the plug and says in all sincerity - all I can hear is myself speaking. OMG !!